Who Am I Now?

I never would have guessed how deep and vast would be the wave of change created by moving to Guatemala. One element that continues to amaze me is the effect of being so poorly equipped with Spanish proficiency. It is turning my internal world upside down in a way I didn't anticipate.

Who am I? If I answered this question independent of my external world, two words at the top of the list would be strong and independent. I have, since before I could read words longer than 3 letters, placed a lot of value on my ability to be 1-self sufficient (independent) and 2-reliable, helpful, someone you could count on to have the answer (strong). These two things are indescribably important to me, to defining myself, and quantifying my worth. In the book How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie talks about how every person conducts his life in a manner that will make him feel important. And each person feels important by different means. For me, its being strong and independent.

Its time to reassess. If I continue to operate in the same way that I have the previous 27 years, I will falter, I will crumble and I will ultimately lose my self-worth.

In my cooking class I am the "slow" one. I need extra instruction. Oftentimes the other women will ask me in spanish "you understand?" Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. How hard I must swallow when the answer is no. I have always been bright, quick to pick things up. I'm never the one lagging behind in understanding, usually I'm the one helping others understand. This is SO very humbling for me. They are so kind, so patient, so gracious, so willing to help me. I feel almost ashamed.

Who am I now? Am I independent? No. And the more I pretend I am, or can be, the longer it will take me to truly learn the nature of these people. My strength must now be in the form of my ability to change and accept my circumstances.

I am grateful, I am humble, I am meek. I continuously bow my head and accept my vulnerability, my plight of being at the mercy of...well, whoever.

What an AMAZING experience! I would dare say a small minority have the opportunity to experience such a humbling transformation. I am forced to my knees. The very basic nature of my world, externally and internally has been discarded. I must start over. Begin from scratch.
No presumptions. No expectations. Just LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of humility

The beautiful thing is that this world, these people...they want to take care of you. They place so much value in helping each other. When I let myself admit defeat and the need for others' I am awe stricken at their generosity. Such patience and love I have rarely experienced in the US-at work, at school, even in my own family (however, my mother is the most generous person I've ever known.) But here I have a safe haven in which to create this new, humble, group-oriented self.

Will I even recognize myself a year from now? I hope not. This new me harbors less fear, embraces more trust, and feels more genuine. Definitely a step in the right direction.